You know those memories that
stay with you in vivid color as
if they happened yesterday,
even after years have passed? Maybe it
is your wedding day, the day you graduated,
or some other significant milestone
in your life. For me, one of those
still-vivid memories is my husband
Michael’s twenty-fifth birthday dinner.
To celebrate his turning a quarter
of a century, I made a reservation and
took him out on a dinner date after we
both got off work. With his birthday in
December, it was cold and dark outside,
but we were bundled up and looking
forward to enjoying time together
over good food and conversation. I had
planned a few intentional conversation
points just to make the most of
our quality time together.
Halfway through our meal, I decided
it was time we talked about something
we both had anticipated someday in
our future: growing our family. More
specifically, I wanted to begin the
adoption process.
Adoption has been a part of my
family’s history for generations. This
has fostered a passion in my heart for
adoption since I was a teenager. My
husband had also come to love the
idea because of our church’s emphasis
on orphan care. Before we got married,
we knew we were both on the same
page about adoption, though we didn’t
have a timeline of when we would
begin that process.
As I casually brought it up that night
at dinner, I tried to play it cool. The
reality was, I had already looked up
international adoption programs, and
I knew exactly the age requirements
for adoptive families. At the time, most
programs required that one spouse
be at least 25 years old to begin pursuing
the process. So, not even a full
day into Michael’s twenty-fifth year, I
was bringing up the conversation with
my husband who, being slightly older
than me, qualified us for these international
programs.
Through the conversation, Michael
suggested we pray about it for the next
40 days and then revisit the conversation.
I agreed, and we both started
praying that evening about the direction
God would have for our family.
While I knew my heart had been
stirred for adoption, I was praying
God would guide both Michael and
me to feel peace before taking steps
forward. It didn’t take long for those
prayers to be answered. The next day,
Michael was printing off the adoption
application paperwork. We both felt
God was making it clear that this was
the path we would take.
Desiring a Family
Years into the journey, it felt as
if every childless day were a
reminder that our world is
broken because of Adam’s fall.
That dinner marks the beginning of
our intentional journey toward growing
our family. Our desire for expanding
had always included plans of both
adopted and biological children. From
the beginning, after creating Adam
and Eve, God said to them, “Be fruitful
and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis
1:28). It is a good thing for families
to have children. As we began this
blissful season of anticipation, we had
no idea we would soon be walking the
painful road of unsuccessful adoption
attempts and, during that same time,
discovering our own infertility.
Years into the journey, it felt as if
every childless day were a reminder
that our world is broken because of
Adam’s fall. Things are not always as
they should be (Genesis 3:16–19).
Childlessness Is Common
It has been six years since my husband
and I had that first conversation
about growing our family, and as of
now, we still don’t have any children
to call our own. Neither adoption nor
the pursuit of biological children has
produced a son or daughter calling us
mom and dad.
Failed adoption attempts. Infertility.
The unfulfilled longing for children is a
peculiar ache. It is to grieve something
that has never been. Through the journey,
we’ve been grateful to have our
family and church community support
us. We’ve also found support in the
many friends and acquaintances who
have also walked this road.
As we began experiencing infertility,
it opened our eyes to the reality
that it is much more common than
we expected. One in eight couples
will experience a season of infertility.
Infertility is defined as the inability to
become pregnant after a year of trying,
or the inability to stay pregnant.1
Infertility is another sign of the
post–Genesis 3 nature of our world.
Our bodies don’t always work as they
should. There are many factors that
affect fertility, and research shows that
nearly one-third of infertility cases are
because of a female factor, one third
are due to a male factor, and one third
are either both or unexplained.2 My
husband and I fall into the unsatisfying
category of “unexplained” infertility.
There aren’t answers or solutions—there is just the reality of our
broken world. And regardless of who
the infertility factor is attributed to,
it inevitably affects both individuals
spiritually and emotionally.
From the broken systems that affect
the adoption process (despite good
people working to support children)
and broken bodies that don’t work the
way they should, we’ve felt great disappointment
in our dream of growing
our family. And it is all so completely
out of our control.
For Those Suffering
God’s Word gives us practical and helpful guidance on how to face
extreme hardship. That includes examples like Job and the wisdom
of Solomon. Here are three of the most basic tips for those
in the midst of suffering.
It Is Okay to Grieve
In the book of Psalms, the writers give many examples of sharing
honest laments before God. A lament is a passionate expression
of grief. In grief, God will meet us (Psalms 23 and
61).
Find Support from Others
Find friends and family who can listen well and have empathy as you
express your grief. Your support community may be a few people or
many, but finding those trusted friends who will provide support is
important (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12).
Cling to Ultimate Hope
Remember that because of Christ, we have ultimate hope. The book
of Hebrews says that for “the joy that was set before him [Christ]
endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). Christ was able to have joy in the
midst of preparing for suffering because he knew what was beyond
that suffering. Beyond the cross was eternal life. Because of Christ,
we have that same hope.
Living with Broken Dreams
What disappointments has life
brought your way? While your story
may not include the unfulfilled longing
for children, there are other ways
the reality of sin in our world is likely
affecting you right now. For those who
are in Christ, God’s Word shows us
that suffering is unavoidable (Romans
8:18), but it can be used for our good to
develop perseverance, character, and
hope (Romans 5:3–5; James 1:2–4). God’s
Word is filled with “precious and very
great promises” that are specifically
recorded to help us face our suffering
with grace and peace (2 Peter 1:4).
God has taught my husband and
me many helpful lessons from our
disappointments. I would never wish
such disappointments on anyone, but
as Elisabeth Elliot says in her book A
Path Through Suffering, “Who of us has
not known the confusion, the ambivalence,
the restlessness of pain?” Whatever
our disappointments are in life,
we can rest assured that God is with
us and he is for us.
Walking Alongside
Job’s “friends” are a
good reminder of how
important it is to carefully
choose the right words
for an occasion. Here are
three helpful tips if you
are a friend of someone
suffering.
Respect Our Differences
Understand that no one
grieves or handles difficult
situations in the same
way. Have grace for the
grieving person.
Don’t Try to “Fix”
Everything Right Away
It is often in our nature
to want to fix things
when something has
gone wrong. Often the
grieving person just
needs someone to listen
and validate his or her
cause for grief.
Continue to Check In
Often people can be
afraid of bringing up a
difficult topic. But the
grieving person may be
wishing that someone
were willing to talk
about it. Find out how
your friend wants to
communicate about it
and follow up with him or
her by checking in from
time to time—especially
on anniversaries or
significant dates related
to the cause of grief.
and is pursuing her PhD in ethics and public policy from
Southern Seminary. Lauren worked for her father, Steve
Green, from the founding days of Museum of the Bible until
it opened in 2018. Lauren is the author of Only One Life,
Not What You Think, and Legacy Study.
https://answersingenesis.org/sanctity-of-life/acknowledging-pain-childlessness/ This article originally appeared on answersingenesis.org
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